Det. Adrian MONK


Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which... you know... I'm not... you were in Chicago.

================================
Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
Monk: No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.

=================================
Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: ... I'm paying you...
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Monk: ... but you won't tell me.
Dr. Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

================================
[Monk jumps on top of the dining table to avoid a snake.]
Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.

================================
[Monk and Sharona follow Jenna to a hotel, but are intercepted by a greeter for a conference.]
Greeter: Oh! Excuse me! Have you registered?
Monk: For... what?
Greeter: Speedy Dates? We do it here once a month?
Sharona: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I-I read an article about this. It's for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet 15 jerks at once.
Greeter: Yeah, that's not exactly how we would describe it.

================================
Date #1: I like your eyes.
Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.

================================
Monk: You... you enter from the right...
Sharona: You mean the left. That's stage left.
Monk: But it's on the right.
Sharona: But it's stage left. That's what they call it.
[She shrugs at Monk's apoplexy.]
Sharona: My sister's an actress!
Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on planet Earth.
Sharona: [sardonically] Like you would know.

=================================
Sharona: Is that a new tie?
Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men.
Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

==================================
Stottlemeyer: Alright, so... Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb, by himself.
Monk: That's right.
Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Monk: [admiringly] You gotta admit — it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock solid!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known 15,000 criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: they're conscious!
Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

=========================

[Monk refuses to reveal his intimacies with his late wife to his psychiatrist.]
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, we can talk about your sex life with Trudy or we can sing show tunes until this session is over. It's your choice.
[pause]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...
. . .
[Eventually, Monk stops singing. He looks at his watch and stares at Dr. Kroger for a while, then...]
Monk: [singing] If ever would I leave you...

============================
Sharona: You play bingo?
Monk: No. Is it fun?
Sharona: It's a lot of fun. You're gonna hate it.

============================
Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.
Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

Det. Adrian MONK
# Posté le dimanche 15 juin 2008 09:52

The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary

First published in book form as The Cynic's Word Book (1906)


* To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.

* Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying

himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in

the affairs of others.

* Absurdity,
n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with

one's own opinion.

* Accord, n. Harmony.

* Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an

assassin.

* Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,

but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he

is rich or famous

* Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to

ourselves.

* Advice, n. The smallest current coin.

* Alone, adj. In bad company.

* Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.

* Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an

excuse for getting drunk.

* Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to

contemplate in your adversity.

* Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of

weather we are having.

* Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

* Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.

* Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

* Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and

wise as a man's head.

* Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national

boundaries.

* Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be

kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

* Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely

inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as

they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

* Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted

to see men, women and children acting the fool.

* Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with

cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.

* Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.

* Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed

to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with others.

* Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit

without individual responsibility.

* Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,

not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

* Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men

prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the

flesh.

* Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.

* Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from

the foolish their lack of understanding.

* Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than

in me.

* Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be

caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most

picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.

* Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

* Faith,] n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who

speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

* Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of

the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

* Freemason, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and

fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined

successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the

hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless

Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious,

Thothmes, and Buddha.

* Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune.

Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

* Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was

rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.


* Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did

not particularly care to trace his own.


* Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the

misery of another.


* Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.


* Hers, pron. His.


* Idiot,] n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence

in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of

thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable.

He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.


* Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth,

'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.


* In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.


* Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure

to substitute misrule for bad government.


* Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated

condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.


* Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen [sic] in America and

Americans in Scotland.


* Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The

theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently

worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from

living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever

property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no

place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist.


* Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the

features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.


* Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.


* Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.


* Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance

with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.


* Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of

the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races

living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its

ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.


* Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence;

not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants [sic] from study of themselves; at odds

with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence

that they themselves are sane.


* Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a

master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.


* Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of

a state religion.


* Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.


* Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and

who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.


* Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.


* Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world

made for man -- who has no gills.


* Once, adj. Enough.


* Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.


* Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government

from running amok by hamstringing it.


* Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.


* Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.


* Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to

nothing.


* Politeness , n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.


* Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of

principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.


* Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf

of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.


* Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of

another. The words erroneously repeated.


* Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation,

experience and reflection.


* Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance

the nature of the Unknowable.


* Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an

advantage for a greater advantage.


* Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is

too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.


* Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that

God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

* Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as

distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.


* Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of

others.


* Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.


* Twice, adv. Once too often.


* Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.


* Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.


* Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a

fool of himself and a wreck of his country.


* White, adj. and n. Black.


* Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.


* Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a

fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.


* Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and

inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
# Posté le mardi 10 juin 2008 07:01

Quoted from the comedian :"GeorQuoted from the comedian :"Georges Carlin" (im not tottaly with him, but he's a funny guy !!)ges Carlin" (im not tottaly with him, but he's a funny guy !!)

Quoted from the comedian :"GeorQuoted from the comedian :"Georges Carlin" (im not tottaly with him, but he's a funny guy !!)ges Carlin" (im not tottaly with him, but he's a funny guy !!)
# Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply!

#Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation, the other 8 are unimportant.

#Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?

George_Carlin

#So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy but it's always worked in our family.

* "Prayer", Carlin on Campus (1984)

#Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.

* "Abortion", Back in Town (1996)

#I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

* "State Prison Farms", Back in Town (1996)
# Posté le samedi 07 juin 2008 21:04

Teamed Up !

Teamed Up !
# Posté le vendredi 06 juin 2008 08:30
Modifié le vendredi 06 juin 2008 08:49

Dédication pour yout les Troncs Cummuns de 2008

# Posté le jeudi 29 mai 2008 18:29